How We Spent Our Holidays
by DSaint
Summary: The Doctor and River are on their way to Christmas dinner at the Ponds' place. And, of course, they had to bring the kids along... but does the Doctor actually know where they are?
1. Part I: Getting There

**Part I: Getting There Is Half the Trouble**

* * *

"Are we there yet?" Jenny asked. She sat atop the brass rail that encircled the control area. She rocked back and forth, hands gripping the rail to keep from falling. The slender girl with long blonde hair was clad in a paramilitary uniform.

"No. I'm... looking at something," the Doctor said. He flipped back and forth through charts on the monitor. He wore his usual Cambridge professor outfit.

"What your father means," River Song said, "is that he's lost." She sat cross-legged on the floor. A silicone cloth was spread before her and the pieces of her field-stripped alpha meson blaster were laid out on it. She was clad in a Little Black Dress and high leather boots. She tossed her thick, curly hair back and peered through the barrel of the blaster.

"I am not lost," the Doctor snapped. He paused on a chart, stared at it for a moment, then flipped to a different chart.

"So, where are we, sweetie?" River asked.

"We're right... here," the Doctor finished. He waved his hands around to indicate the general expanse of time and space.

River gave Jenny a knowing look, and mouthed, "Lost."

"You know," Jenny said, "if you had stolen a newer model TARDIS, instead of this old heap, the navigation systems might work better."

"Sexy... er, she... is not an 'old heap,'" the Doctor said, with a glare. "And I didn't steal her. I borrowed her."

"So," Jenny said, "planning on taking it back, soon?"

"Well, Gallifrey is time-locked, so I can't exactly drop by and return her, can I?"

Jenny gave River a knowing look, and mouthed, "Stolen."

"I'm hungry," Susan Foreman said as she walked into the control room. The brunette was clad in a moddish sixties dress and sandals.

The Doctor said, "It would be a lot easier for me to figure out where and when we are, I mean, figure out the best route to take, we're not lost, don't worry, just... misplaced... but it would be a lot easier to figure it out if everyone didn't keep interrupting me."

"But I'm hungry," Susan said. "Can we get some food?"

"Go to the galley and make something, if you're hungry," the Doctor grumped.

"Oh, I'm sick of galley food," Susan said.

"So am I," River and Jenny said in unison.

"Can't we just stop somewhere?" Susan asked.

"We can't stop somewhere," River said, "because your grandfather doesn't know where we are."

"Yes I do! We are not lost!"

"We're lost," River and Jenny said in unison.

"Look," the Doctor said. He straightened up and glared at the three women. "I am this close to turning the TARDIS around and going home."

"You can't," Susan said, "Gallifrey is time-locked."

"I did not mean literally!"

"Oh, for God's sake," River said. She assembled the pieces of her blaster with a deft and rapid hand. Then she stood and holstered it on her hip. "I will take care of this."

"Shooting dad might be a little excessive," Jenny said.

"I'm not going to shoot him," she said. She crossed to the hexagonal panel and began to work the controls.

"Hey, hey," the Doctor said. He pointed a finger at River's back. "You do not play with a man's controls without asking!"

"Ew," Jenny and Susan said in unison.

"That's not what you said last night, sweetie," River said, giving him a sly grin over her shoulder.

"Eeewww," Jenny and Susan said in unison.

"There!" River announced after a few minutes of work. "We're here." She pointed a finger at a spot on a three-dimensional chart that rotated on the monitor display.

"That's what I said," the Doctor objected.

"No," River told him, "you said we were 'here.'" She imitated his earlier waving hands gesture.

"Semantics!" he objected.

River rolled her eyes. "Now we just need to get to our destination."

"Oh, can I drive?" Jenny asked. She hopped off the rail and dashed to the console.

"No," the Doctor said.

"I want to, as well," Susan said. She ran over to the console as well.

"No!" the Doctor said.

"I do think it's time they learned to drive," River said with a saccharine smile.

"I strenuously object to this whole exercise," the Doctor said. He crossed his arms, leaned back against the rail, and glared into the distance.

"Why don't you go do something quiet somewhere, sweetie?" River suggested. "Maybe sort your instant custard collection, or something."

Jenny and Susan found places at the console. "Can we stop and get something to eat?" Susan asked.

"You know what would be great?" Jenny said, "A nice thick steak! With a side of fettuccine alfredo.

"You do all realize we're on our way to dinner," the Doctor said.

"Oh, or a nice big antipasto salad and garlic bread," Susan added.

"A big, fancy dinner..." the Doctor said.

"Yes," River said, "but we can stop somewhere and eat now, and maybe find something to do to help us digest..."

"Something interesting," Susan said.

"Trouble," the Doctor said.

"An adventure," Jenny said.

"Big trouble," the Doctor said.

"Come along, girls. I know a really nice little place in 23rd century Italy. They have steak and pasta and antipasto salad and garlic bread. And," she said, with a wide smile, "if I recall correctly, there were rumors at the time, of a zombie problem in that area of Rome."

"Yes!" Jenny said. She punched a fist into the air.

"Let's go," Susan added with a smile.

"This is the last time I go on a family vacation," the Doctor complained.

* * *

"Rory, can you get the door?" Amy Pond shouted. "I'm having... turkey issues."

"Is it a cyber-turkey?" Rory Williams asked as he passed the kitchen.

"No, but it is definitely displaying a bad attitude," she called, "I think it's a zombie turkey, and I... oh, fire!"

Rory stepped back to glance into the kitchen. "Do you need me to..."

"No, no, get the door, I've got the fire extinguisher."

"Getting the door," He straightened his cardigan, ignored the whoosh of a fire extinguisher going off, and opened the front door. "Ignoring the zombie turkey," he muttered. "River!" he said, pleased.

"Dad!"

"Come in, come in, um, all of you." He stepped back and ran a nervous hand through his dark hair.

"How are you doing?" River hugged him.

"Good. We weren't sure you would make it in time for dinner," he said, then asked, "why do you smell like smoke?"

"There was a little fire." The sound of a cast iron skillet striking a turkey over and over rang from the kitchen. "Is mom okay?"

"There's a little fire," Rory said. "Doctor!"

"Rory the Roman!" The Doctor threw his arms around Rory's upper body. "I'm so glad to see you!"

"Um." Rory managed to pat the Doctor on the back with one hand.

"Sorry," the Doctor said, "I'm just so glad to be alive."

"Oh... kay," Rory said. "Why do you have a black eye?"

"There was a fight."

"Die, you bastard, die!" came from the kitchen.

"There's a fight," Rory said, before the Doctor could speak.

"Grandpa!" Jenny hugged Rory.

"Erm," Rory said, wide-eyed. He pointed a finger at her. "Is she..."

"Oh, yes," River said, "dad, this is Jenny, she's the Doctor's genetically extracted, acceleratedly-grown, daughter." She smiled. "Which makes her my step-daughter, and your step-granddaughter."

"Oh. Well, that's... are you wearing a bullet-proof vest?"

"There was some shooting."

"Haha, I've got you now!" issued from the kitchen.

"What's that?" Jenny asked.

"There may be some shooting." Rory held up a finger. "Can you hold on just a minute? I think I might need to go and help Amy a moment."

"Hi!" Susan said as she came in. "Great-grandpa!" She hugged Rory.

"Gaaah," he said.

"The Doctor's granddaughter, so my step-granddaughter, so your step-great-granddaughter. He thought she was trapped in the time-lock on Gallifrey with the rest of the Time Lords, but it turned out she wasn't."

"Is that a bloodstain on your dress?" Rory asked Susan.

"There were zombies," Susan said.

"I think it's going around," Rory told her.

"I have you now!" came from the kitchen. "Eat falchion, you sneaky..." Things went silent.

They all turned toward the kitchen. Amy strode out, long red hair a mess around her face. She wore a stained apron over her clothes. In one hand was a mutilated turkey carcass, in the other, a 17th century falchion. Her shoulders heaved with heavy breaths. "I got it!" she said and raised the turkey into the air. Half of the carcass fell to the floor. She looked down at it, then back up. "River! Doctor!" She dropped the turkey and the sword. Rory winced as the falchion imbedded tip-first in the floorboards. Amy ran up and hugged River and the Doctor with a wide embrace.

"Mom," River said and kissed her on the cheek.

Hello," the Doctor said.

Amy stepped back and said, blank, "And... other women who I don't know."

Rory gestured to Jenny. "Jenny, the Doctor's genetically..." He glanced at River.

"Genetically extracted, acceleratedly-grown, daughter," she supplied.

"River's step-daughter, our step-granddaughter." He gestured to Susan. "And this is Susan. The Doctor's granddaughter, River's step-granddaughter, our step-great-granddaughter."

"Wow," Amy said, "okay." She embraced the two girls. "So, little issue with the turkey," she said as they parted. "Also, the cranberry sauce, yams, um..."

"What happened?" the Doctor asked.

"There was a fire, a fight, almost some shooting, zombie turkey. You know."

"What are we going to do for Christmas dinner, then?" Rory asked.

"I know this great place in 23rd century Italy," River suggested. 'They have steak and pasta and antipasto salad and garlic bread."

"But!" Jenny said with a finger in the air, "No fires, fights, shooting, or anything like that."

"And they're fresh out of zombies," Susan said.

"It's in Rome," the Doctor said, "which oddly enough, is still standing."

"What do you say, mom?" River asked Amy.

"Oh, sure." She took off the apron and dropped it onto the turkey. "It's absolutely better than the alternative, believe me."

"I'll drive," the Doctor said with a firm voice.

"He's just jealous because we're better at it," River told Rory and Amy.

"Come along, then, Ponds," the Doctor said.


	2. Part II: Please Tip Your Waiter

**Part II: Please Tip Your Waiter**

* * *

"This is delicious," Amy Pond said. "Good call, honey."

"Thank you, mother," River Song answered. She looked pleased with herself.

"Aren't you eating, Doctor?" Rory Williams asked.

"No," the Doctor answered. "I had it for lunch. Don't want it again."

"Dad is being Mr. Grumpypants," Jenny said. "He's still upset about the zombies, earlier.

"You mentioned," Rory said. "What exactly happened with the zombies?"

"It all started," Susan Foreman said, "because granddad was lost."

"I was not lost," the Doctor said, annoyed. He crossed his arms. "Just… misplaced."

"Lost," River, Jenny, and Susan all mouthed at Amy and Rory. Amy covered a snort of laughter by pretending to take a drink of wine.

When she recovered, Amy asked, "What about the zombies?"

"After I got us back on track," River said, undeterred by the Doctor's annoyed noise of disapproval, "the girls and I flew us here for lunch. And it turned out they had a little zombie problem in the area."

"There were zombies in Rome?" Rory asked. He raised an eyebrow. "Couldn't, you know, the church take care of that?"

"They were cyber-zombies from 90th century Venus," Susan supplied. "It's really quite an interesting story how they got here…"

A waiter appeared and filled water glasses. "Is the food not to your liking, signor?" he asked the Doctor, concern clear on his face. "If there is something wrong with it, not to your taste? I can have the kitchen prepare you something else."

"I had Italian for lunch," the Doctor says.

"Don't worry about him," Jenny says, "he's being Mr. Grumpypants."

The waiter blinked. "Signor…"

"Grumpypants," Jenny said with a nod and a smile. "Yep.

"I see." The waiter looked to the Doctor. "Signor Grumpypants, may I take your plate?"

Amy began to choke on laughter and marinara. Rory attempted to pound her on the back while trying to not to laugh wine out his nose. Susan face-planted on the table and hammered a fist on it, unable to speak through her own laughter. Jenny giggled uncontrollably and kept trying to speak.

River fell onto the floor. She could be heard laughing under the table.

"Yes," the Doctor said in a low voice. "Perhaps some new dinner companions, as well."

"Was it something I said?" the waiter asked.

"Never mind," the Doctor said with a sigh. "What I get, I suppose, for traveling with mad people."

With a nod of agreement and a look on his face that said he had no idea what was going on, the waiter picked up the Doctor's plate. "Perhaps, instead," he began, "you would like to try…" With his right hand, he drew a wicked, curved knife from beneath his neat half-apron. "…death, Signor Grumpypants!"

"Gah!" The Doctor squawked in alarm as Jenny shoved his chair sideways with a combat booted kick.

The waiter's attack missed him. "Mum!" Jenny shouted.

Alpha meson blasts fired through the table. Platters of food exploded. Marinara and alfredo sprayed everywhere; the pizza was holed; a bowl of red pepper flakes shattered and sent its contents into the air; Rory began to sneeze.

With a savage yell, Jenny chopped with a knife-edged hand into the waiter's mid-section. He bent double as the air rushed from his lungs. He still clutched the Doctor's plate in his hand. Jenny stamped down with her boot on his instep and he howled and hopped onto the other foot.

Another blast came through the table, burned its way through the loaf of garlic bread, and destroyed the knife in the waiter's right hand. With a snarl, he leapt onto the table, leapt between Amy and Rory, and paused in the doorway of the private room. He pointed a finger at the Doctor.

"You have not seen the last of us, Signor Dottore Grumpypants! Your death has been ordained!"

He dashed out the door. Rory leaped up from the table and slammed the door to the room shut; he wedged a chair under the knob.

River combat-crawled out from under the table, her blaster still in her hand. She made her way to the Doctor. "Are you all right, sweetie?"

The Doctor was on his side on the floor, still in a seated position. "He tried to kill me," he said in a conversational tone. "Why would he do that?"

"You should have eaten," Susan suggested.

"Great waiter, though," Amy said, "he never dropped your plate."

"We need to get out of here, obviously," the Doctor said as he got up from the floor and helped River to her feet.

"Out here," Rory said. He began to feel along the back wall.

"Hey, stupid face," Amy called, "there's no door there!"

"Ha," Rory laughed. He pushed at a spot low on the wall, and a hidden door swung open.

"How could you possibly know that was there?" Amy asked.

Rory tapped his temple. "I remember," he said, "this building was around when I was a centurion, in Rome. It was a bar, then, lots of underworld trade. Good place to buy weapons that you weren't supposed to carry in the city."

"Right," the Doctor said, "let's take the exit, then. I don't know why someone would possibly want to kill me, I'm such a wonderful person."

"Yeah," Amy said, "who would possibly want you dead? Let's think about that for a second..."

"Everyone," Amy, Rory, River, Jenny, and Susan all said at once.


	3. Part III: House Call

**Part III: House Call**

* * *

"Do you think he could be linked to the cyber-zombies?" Susan Foreman asked.

"It's possible," the Doctor admitted. "Why would they be after me, though? Why not River? She's the one that started the whole thing!"

"Oh, sure, blame me," River Song said.

"I am."

The group moved along the dank tunnel. Rory Williams led the way. It seemed he knew the way well; at times, he paused, then made a decision and chose a path.

"My husband, the boy guide," Amy Pond said. "Wait a minute, though... I thought you guarded me for two thousand years."

"I did," he said over his shoulder.

"So when did you find time to hang out in bars and hunt out secret passages?" She gave his back a suspicious look.

"It wasn't all guarding sexy redheads in boxes and shooting Daleks with my hand-gun, you know. I was still a Roman soldier," he cast over his shoulder. "I had to do... Roman soldier... things."

"Like drink in bars?" she teased.

"Up this way, I think," Rory said.

"You didn't answer my question, Rory Williams!"

"Could it be the Silence?" Jenny asked. "They're still after you, aren't they, dad?"

"Yes, I imagine they are," the Doctor said.

"It could be any of a number of people or parties," Susan said. "Granddad has made a lot of friends, and just as many enemies, over the years. Maybe more."

"Yes, but why now, though?" the Doctor asked. "Why here?"

"Right here," Rory said.

"Yes, why here?" the Doctor said again.

"No," Rory said, "I mean, this is where we get out."

"Oh."

The group climbed an old iron ladder and emerged through a manhole onto a street. Rory looked around. "We're a few blocks from the restaurant," he said. "Should be safe, for now."

"The question is, was he acting on his own or with a group?" Susan asked.

"He said 'us,'" Jenny pointed out.

"If we can make it back to the Tardis," the Doctor said, "it won't matter. We can get out of here and go home."

"Gallifrey is..." Susan began.

"Yes, dear, thank you," the Doctor said. "Now, as I was saying..."

"I don't think going back to the restaurant to pick up the Tardis is going to work, right now, Doctor," Amy said. She pointed back down the street. A group was headed toward them; the waiter was in the lead.

He pointed at them and shouted, "Get them!"

"Oh, come on!" the Doctor said.

"Honey," Amy said to Rory, "is there somewhere that we can hole up? Somewhere safe, and hard for the Waitstaff Army to get to us, in?"

"If it's still here, there's an old villa that used to belong to a smuggler named Marcus Clodius. It was a fortress, full of hidden doors and secure rooms."

"Which way?"

* * *

"So this is nice, in a pornographic sort of way," Amy said.

"It was common, back then," Rory said. "That's Priapus."

"It's certainly... attention-focusing," River said with a grin.

The Doctor snorted. "Oh, please. No human ever looked like that."

"Once you go god," Amy said, "you never go..." She paused. "No, sorry, can't think of a good rhyme."

"Once you go Priapus," Jenny began, "you never go... no, no. You're right, that's a tough one."

"Can we move along, here?" the Doctor asked. He rolled his eyes at Rory who shrugged. "Will we be safe?" the Doctor asked.

"We should be." Rory shrugged. "Mind you, this building is hundreds and hundreds of years old, so the structural integrity isn't what it used to be."

"I'm hundreds and hundreds of years old," the Doctor said. "My structural integrity is fine."

Amy broke out into laughter. "Oh, I don't know about _that_," she said.

"Hey, now!" the Doctor said.

"I assure you, mother," River said with a sly smile, "his structural integrity is perfectly adequate."

"Ew," Jenny and Susan said.

"'Adequate,'" the Doctor said with a glare, "that's not what you said last..."

"Eeewww," Jenny and Susan said.

"...night," the Doctor finished with a superior smile.

"You're no Priapus, sweetie," River grinned.

"Can we get off the deities?" Rory asked with a sigh.

"Oh!"Susan said, "That's it!"

"What?" the Doctor asked.

"What's it?" Amy asked.

"Once you go deity, you never go mortality!"

"Eeehhh," said River, Rory, Amy, and Jenny.

"Oh, come on," Susan said, "that one was pretty good."

The Doctor sighed. He crossed his arms and leaned against a wall. "Tell you all what, why don't I sit here and wait for a bunch of psychotic waiters to come and kill me for not going wild over the carbonara!" They all stared at him in silence. He stared back at them. "Can we all keep our minds on the matter at hand, now?" They continued to stare. "Thank you." He straightened himself, then his bow tie. "Besides," he said, "it's 'once you go Doctor, you keep going back for more.'" He turned and exited the room.

* * *

"Do you see them, Doctor?" Rory asked.

"Oh, I see them." He pointed at spots around the neighborhood. "They're all around, waiting. Watching." They stood atop the villa roof. The Doctor rubbed his chin. "Who are they, though? And why are they after me?"

"Those are the questions we keep coming back to," Rory said. He dropped down on his haunches at the edge of the roof. "Any possible answers?"

"Italian, waitstaff... I've got it!" the Doctor said. "They're members of the Space Mafia's undercover Waitstaff Assassination Corp!" He snapped his fingers. Rory stared at him over his shoulder. "Alright, maybe not," the Doctor said. He sagged and dropped down onto the roof. He and Rory sat on the roof. Their legs dangled over the edge as they stared out over the neighborhood.

"You're really concerned about this, aren't you?" Rory asked.

"What?" The Doctor glanced at him.

"The unknown threat. Someone trying to kill you."

The Doctor made a noise. "Please. People are always trying to kill me," he said, "if I got concerned over every little attempt..."

"It's not that, though," Rory said. "It's not ordinarily personal, is it? It's always that you've wandered into something, and someone tries to get you out of the picture, and you keep poking until you have it figured out.

"And when it _is_ personal, well, you can handle that, too. It's always someone you know about, the Daleks or the Cybermen, or... whatever."

"Then there's the Silence," the Doctor said with a weak grin.

"That's just it. You know about them, you figured them out. Even before you knew who they were, you knew something about them: those... whatever they were, in 1969."

"You remember them?" the Doctor asked sharply.

"No. I just remember there being something."

"Oh." He looked back down.

"Doctor," Rory said, "you don't like not knowing. Do you? Especially when it endangers those around you."

"No. No, I don't." The Doctor looked at Rory out of the side of his eye. "Rory the Roman... can I tell you something?"

"Of course. Son-in-law." Rory grinned.

The Doctor laughed. "It isn't..." He paused and stared into the distance. "I'm afraid, Rory." He gave a deep sigh. "It didn't used to get to me, but now... now, it does. Sometimes, it does."

"What?"

"I die, Rory. I die, and I regenerate. I come back in a different set of clothes. But it isn't me, not the same me, it's like... switches flip in my head. Some close, some open, and I'm still me, but I'm a different me." Rory looked at him in silence. "I know it might not seem important to you or Amy, it's hard to understand if all you can see it not dying. But I'm not the same man.

"I do die, in a way. And I don't want to die, right now, Rory. I have a..."

"You have family," Rory said.

The Doctor nodded. "I've _had_ family," he said, "so why this should be different..."

"You chose this family, Doctor. Amy and me, River, you even made the choice to accept Jenny. There are families that you get, and there are families that you choose." He shrugged. "You don't want to lose the family you've chosen. And you don't want to..."

"Be someone else, and risk losing them," the Doctor said in a whisper.

"Yeah."

"Pretty smart, Rory. I'm almost nine hundred years old, so how did you do that?"

Rory grinned. "I'm older than you are," he said, "by more than a millennium."

"Go me there," the Doctor said. "'Dad.'"

Rory laughed. After a minute, he said, "Doctor?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't ever call me 'dad' again. It's just weird."

"Yeah, that was an awkward moment for me, too."


	4. Part IV: We Meet At Last!

**Part IV: We Meet At Last!**

* * *

"That's the question," the Doctor announced. He and Rory walked into the atrium.

"What's the question?" Rive asked. She was making notes in her journal. She closed it and put it away.

"What she said," Amy said.

Jenny paused in her hand-stand pushups. She arched at the back and place her feet flat on the ground, then straightened. "What's going on, dad?" she asked.

"Where's Susan?" he asked instead of answering.

"That's the question?" Amy asked. She gave the Doctor a funny look.

"No," he answered, "but it's related." He glanced around the room. "Now, where is she?"

"She said she was going to go lie down," Jenny said.

"Where?" The Doctor pulled his sonic screwdriver out and flipped it open. He held it up to scan the area.

"I don't know," Jenny said, "she didn't say. Dad, what is going on?"

The Doctor looked at Rory. "You said this place has secret doors and such, is there one that opens to the outside?"

Rory closed his eyes a moment. "Yes," he said as he opened them, "it opens onto a narrow back street."

"Again with the weird knowledge," Amy said, "how much time did you spend hanging out with smugglers?"

"How long ago did she disappear?" the Doctor asked. "Rory, that door?"

"I'll show you," Rory said.

"Just a couple minutes ago," Jenny said.

"Come on!" the Doctor followed Rory.

* * *

Rory led them through rooms to a back kitchen. "It's in here," he said.

"Die!" came a shout from in the kitchen.

The Doctor jerked back as gunfire cracked out. "Too late," he said.

"This villa is ancient, you know," Rory called into the kitchen, "filling it full of bullet holes is not very..."

"If you don't like that, dad," River said, "you really aren't going to like this." She drew her alpha meson blaster and fired around the corner.

"Wait," Amy said, "Susan could be in there!"

"She is," the Doctor said, over River's fire, "she opened the door!"

"Why would she do that?" Jenny asked.

"Because she isn't Susan," the Doctor said.

River jerked back as fire returned from the kitchen. "What do you mean?"

"I wondered how they followed us," he said. "Not just here, I think they've been following for some time. It's Susan. They're tracking her."

"Is she Flesh?" Amy asked. "Like that... thing they made out of me, or Melody? River, I mean?"

"No," the Doctor said, "not Flesh."

"What made you realize?" Rory asked the Doctor.

"Two things: one was that they were able to follow us while we moved underground. There were other possibilities..." He paused as River fired her blaster. "...tracking devices in the food, a number of other things. But it wasn't just the ability to follow us. Susan's been... well, different."

"Grenade!" River shouted. She shoved back to force them away. "Run, it's..."

Jenny darted out into the opening. As a black sphere hurtled toward them, she caught it, spun, threw it back. She used her momentum to run a few feet up the wall and flipped back into cover. "Got it!" she said with a bright smile.

"Oh, very nice, dear," River said.

"Thank you, mom," Jenny said with an even broader smile. She bounced on her heels.

The grenade exploded in a roar of electrical discharge. After a moment, the noise subsided. "Electro-bomb," River said. She looked around the corner with care. "Clear."

They moved into the kitchen. "Susan," Amy said. She and Rory rushed over to Susan's supine body.

"Doctor," Rory said, "she isn't breathing. I think they killed her."

"No, they didn't," the Doctor said. "Not like that, anyway."

River said, "The attackers are down. Three of them."

"What do you mean, dad? About Susan?"

The Doctor went over to where Amy and Rory examined Susan. He dropped down and scanned her with his screwdriver. He showed it to them.

"I have no idea what that means," Amy said.

"She wasn't Susan. Or Flesh," he said. "She was a psychically imprintable spy android."

"A..." Amy moved her lips, "...a PISA?"

The Doctor gave her a look. "Not everything needs to be turned into an acronym, Amy."

"I just thought it was interesting, since we're in Italy."

"I should have known," the Doctor said. "She wasn't her old self, barely there. Not like the old Susan, at all. She was a plant."

"You said she was an android," Rory said.

"Not literally a plant," the Doctor said.

"She could have been," Rory said, "we've seen some very strange things, traveling with you."

"You have a point," the Doctor told him. "But no, not a literal plant. She was an android with an advanced neurological matrix. A sort of psychic computer. She drew information from us to create her disguise. The problem was, I was the one who knew Susan best, and the android couldn't get through my mental defenses far enough to create a really good disguise." He sighed. "I just didn't notice," he said. "I was so happy to see Susan again, that..." He stopped. "She could have been Susan," he said, "if she'd gotten enough from me. She might have become Susan." He looked at the android's body, sorrow in his eyes.

"She would only have been the part of Susan that you knew, though," River said. She rose to her feet from where she examined their attackers. "Doctor, these men, they're just... people. I can't see anything unusual about them. They're not androids, or aliens, or what have you, just men." She returned her hand held computer to her pouch.

"Let me see," the Doctor said. He used his screwdriver on their attackers. "You're right. There's something, though... aha!"

"What?" River asked. Amy and Rory joined him. Jenny prowled the kitchen, alert for more trouble.

"Their brainwaves were modified. I can't scan the activity now, so I can't tell how, but there are physical signs on their brains. Someone was using them the same way they used the Susan android."

"But who, and why?" Rory asked.

"Can you tell anything about who it was?"

"Hm. Not sure..."

"How many more of them do you think there are?" Amy asked. "Are those three all of them?"

"No," Rory said, "there were a half-dozen of them around the neighborhood when the Doctor and I were on the roof. So there are at least three more."

"Why didn't they all attack?" Amy asked.

"Back-up plan?" River suggested.

"It would make sense," Jenny said. "Not as much sense as a two-prong attack, though. Militarily, that would be far more sensible."

"It's a good thing they're not militarily sensible, then," the Doctor said.

"On the contrary, they're very militarily sensible."

"Jenny," the Doctor said. All had their backs to the entrance to the kitchen, and they froze. "Did your voice get very deep, suddenly?"

They turned around as a group. Four men stood in the doorway. Three had weapons aimed at them. "No," the fourth man said. "If you could take your weapon out, Dr. Song, very carefully? Thank you." He smiled.


	5. Part V: Petards, and How to Be Hoist

**Part V: Petards, and How to be Hoist By Them**

* * *

"Doctor, Doctor, Doctor... at last, I've caught up with you." They sat on the floor, backs against the wall. All were handcuffed, hands behind their backs. They all stared up at the man. He knelt and examined the contents of their pockets. His men did a thorough job of cleaning them out. He rose and looked at River. "Thank you for the loan of your handcuffs, Dr. Song. I was worried, since I only brought four pairs."

"Glad I could be of help," she said with a glare.

He pointed a finger at her. "You don't sound very glad," he told her.

"Who are you?" the Doctor asked.

"I'm sorry about the gag, Ms. Pond," he told Amy. "But I couldn't have you keep biting my men." Amy made an incoherent noise through the duct tape.

Rory asked, "So who are you? And why are you after us?"

"My name is Bastable Carruthers Blackfield-Hughes."

"Gesundheit," River said.

"That's very funny, Dr. Song." He was a tall and lank man, clad in an ill-fit blue suit. His shirt and tie were blue as well, and his shoes. His face was narrow, skin pallid.

"Are you wearing blue suede shoes?" Jenny asked.

"What?" He narrowed his eyes and rubbed at his bald head.

"Your shoes. Are they..."

"Look, never mind my shoes!"

"Fine, then," the Doctor said, "can we get back to who you are and why you're after me?"

"I told you who I am." He slipped his hands in the pockets of his trousers.

"You told us your name," the Doctor said. "Not the same thing."

"Very true."

"Why are you after me? What have I ever done to you?"

"Me?" He touched a hand to his chest, then slipped it back into his pocket. "You've never done anything to me. But this is a job."

"A hired killer?" River said. "You're nothing but a hit man!"

"Please, Dr. Song, I am far more than a 'hit man.' That's just insulting."

"So sorry," she said with a sneer. "You probably prefer some lofty term, like 'assassination operations agent,' or maybe 'accounts adjustment specialist.'"

"Oh, I like that second one," he said, "maybe I'll put that on my business cards." He paced before them. "In any case, why, that was the question you asked, that's what you truly want to know, isn't it?"

"It would be nice," the Doctor admitted.

"Don't take me for a fool, Doctor," Blackfield-Hughes said with a smile. "I'm not the sort to stand and soliloquize while I gloat about how brilliant I am. However, I am going to tell you, because the client specifically asked that I tell you why you are to die." He nodded his head at the three silent guards. "And of course, you're handcuffed and under the gun of my mind-controlled guards, so what are you going to do."

"Exactly," the Doctor said. "What am I going to do?"

"I was hired by a woman named Corl Steed. She will be born in the 51st century." He held out his wrist to display a vortex manipulator. "She wants you dead, Doctor, so she sent me."

"You could have killed me already," the Doctor said. "Why all this?"

"Because Mrs. Steed wants you to suffer the way she suffered," Blackfield-Hughes said. "I believe those were her words... one moment..." He drew a notebook out of his inside jacket pocket and flipped through the pages. "Ah, here we go, sorry: 'make him suffer as _I_ have suffered; a death for a death, a pain for a pain.'" He returned the notebook to its place. "Rather poetic," I felt."

"I've never even heard of this woman," the Doctor said.

"No, you haven't met her yet. I believe she encounters you in the year 5092."

"Wait a moment," Rive said, "she hired you to kill the Doctor because of something that hasn't happened, yet?"

"That's right," he agreed.

"That's idiotic," Rory said.

Blackfield-Hughes shrugged. "Look, I don't pass judgment on my clients. I just take the money and perform the assignment."

"At least I know, now," the Doctor said.

"Yes. So, as I said, she wants you to suffer, etcetera. So I'm kill your companions first." He gestured to the armed guards, who took a mechanical step forward. "It will be by proxy, I'm afraid. I truly abhor violence."

"And knowing is the battle, really," the Doctor said.

"I always thought knowing was _half _the battle," Rory told him.

"Okay, yes, knowing _is_ half the battle," the Doctor said.

"I believe it will be the lovely Miss Jenny, first," Blackfield-Hughes said.

"The other half is planning for contingencies," the Doctor told Rory.

On the floor, the Doctor's sonic screwdriver popped open. The green light shone bright and a high-pitched whine filled the air. The Doctor's companions winced, as did Blackfield-Hughes. His guards, though, dropped their weapons as they scrambled to cover up their ears.

The Doctor leaped to his feet. The handcuffs fell to the floor as he crossed the floor and caught up his screwdriver. He spun and aimed it at the others.

As their handcuffs clattered loose, River dove for her pistol. She came up to cover Blackfield-Hughes. "Freeze!" she shouted.

Jenny, behind her, took the more expedient route. Her combat boot caught Blackfield-Hughes in the middle. With an "oof" he folded over, and she delivered an uppercut to his jaw that smashed him out on the floor.

Amy got to her feet with Rory's help. "Ah," she said, after she tore the duct tape loose from her mouth, "I wanted to get one in!" She glared at the guards, crumpled on the floor. "And they went down from your sonic, it's so unfair."

"Life is hard, sometimes, Pond," the Doctor said.

"Amy!" Rory scolded, as she delivered a light kick to Blackfield-Hughes' backside.

"He was going to kill my granddaughter," she said. "Lucky that's all he gets."


	6. Part VI: Causality and Effect

**Part VI: Causality and Effect**

* * *

"Corl Steed."

The woman peered up from her book. Her eyes darted about the dim room. "Who's there?" she snapped out. "Show yourself!"

The man who stepped into the pool of light cast by her glow-globe was a professorial sort: all tweed and bow tie, but with long, shaggy brown hair. As if one of the Beatles got tenure. "Can you see me better, now?" he asked. His voice was cold.

Her face went white. "You!" She fumbled for the pistol she kept at hand. At last her fingers closed around the grip. The old woman's heartbeat slowed. She felt more confident with the gun in her hand. She gave him a tight smile. "So, I take it that Blackfield-Hughes failed, then."

"Yes," the Doctor agreed. "When last I saw him, he was held quite well with five pairs of handcuffs."

"Five?" she asked.

"Well," the Doctor said with a shrug, "my wife does tend to go a bit overboard." He looked around the small chamber. Books covered the walls; the only furniture was the overstuffed leather wing chair and ottoman in the center of the room, a small table beside the chair. The glow globe hovered above the chair. "We put his… helpers… back where they came from," he said. "You know, I really would expect someone with the money to hire a time-travelling assassin to have a nicer place. Large, anyway."

"This is just my reading room," she snapped. She scowled at the Doctor. "I suppose I will have to find someone else to kill you, now."

"Oh," the Doctor laughed, "I think you'll find I am very hard to kill." He drew a slender, silver object from his coat and snapped it open with a flick of his wrist. A green light glowed and the device hummed. "By the way, I just deactivated your weapons systems. Over the entire house. Go sonic or go home, I always say." He slipped the screwdriver back into his pocket. "Okay, I don't always say that," he admitted, "but perhaps I should?"

She drew the pistol and aimed it at him. "All the weapons systems?" she asked with a toothsome smile. Her wrinkled face was fierce.

"Yes. I even activated the safety on your pistol, there."

She smiled wider. "This gun doesn't have a safety," she said. She squeezed the trigger. There was a "click."

"It does now," the Doctor said. "What you get for using nanotech in a stasis field, instead of good old fashioned solid materials."

She frowned at the pistol. "That is just showing off," she said. She dropped the pistol on the table.

"You know what annoys me about this whole thing?" the Doctor asked. "Besides the fact that you ruined a perfectly rubbish holiday trip? I don't even know why you want me dead. I've never met you, never heard of you… Blackfield-Hughes said you claimed I killed your family. But I've never met them, either."

"Ten years ago," she growled. "Ten years ago. You might not have killed them, but you are responsible for their deaths. You fought the Grandmother Starlight and her Grandchildren, here, on Declan Prime. And in the struggle, my family was killed. All of them." Her eyes filled with angry tears. "They were in a flyer on their way to the capital and you didn't stop the Grandmother in time; she slapped them right out of the sky!"

The Doctor was quiet for a moment, hands in his trousers pockets. "And for that," he said, "you hired an assassin to kill my family and me."

"Yes," she hissed. She leaned forward, teeth gritted. "And I will hire another, and another! I studied you, Doctor; you won't kill me. You never kill directly… just by inaction, or sending others to do your dirty work. You…"

"Oh, shut up!" the Doctor shouted. The old woman went silent, shocked. "You see, Mrs. Steed, you are forgetting something very important."

"What?"

He took a step forward. "I am the Doctor. I am the last of the Time Lords. I am fire and ice and rage. I am the night and the storm in the heart of the sun. I am the Oncoming Storm." She quailed back in her chair with each step he took forward. He stood above her, then, hands on the arms of the chair, and Corl Steed shrank back and tried to press herself into the leather padding. "And time, Mrs. Steed, time…" He straightened. "...is pretty much my bitch, basically. Be right back!"

He turned and dashed off into the darkness. She heard a wheezing noise, a low scraping. After a moment, she looked around the dim-lit room. "He… hello?"

A door banged open and she jumped. A man walked in and said, "Good lord, it's dark in here!" She blinked as an elderly man in a navy suit made his way to her. "Corl, my dear, what on earth are you doing reading in the dark like this?" He glanced up. "Lights up!" As the light in the room brightened, he smiled at her. "There, isn't that better? I still do not understand, after five decades, how you can read with so little light."

"Jen?"

Jensen Steed gave his wife a puzzled look. "Heavens, Corl, you look as though you've seen a ghost." His wristcomp beeped and he glanced down. "Ah, what? Haha! I almost forgot," he said, "it's the anniversary of the day that Doctor fellow saved us all from the Grandmother Starlight and her horde!"

* * *

"You are so unbearable when you get like this," River said.

"What can I say?" the Doctor said, "I'm… amazing."

"So you saved her family and they didn't die, but she…" Amy shook her head. "Time! It's so…"

"Wibbley-wobbley?" Rory suggested.

"That," she agreed.

"Not to mention," Jenny said, "timey-wimey."

"But what about fixed points, and still points, and..." Rory began.

The Doctor shook his head. "The death of Mrs. Steed's family was none of those things. Just an unfortunate event at an unfortunate time. Anyway, who's hungry?" the Doctor asked. He clapped his hands and rubbed them together. "I'm starving. How about Italian?"

He was drowned out by a chorus of, "NO!"

* * *

**Author's Note: And there you have it. It sort of got away from me, given I only ever planned to write that first part. Hope everyone enjoyed the ride.** **Taisteal go maith- DS.**


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